“The other is me”

“The other is me – Healing relationships -” is a process of becoming aware of the ways in which we interact within the relationships: we learn to recognize and let go of those destructive patterns that make us and others turn away from each other, closing the door to share in love. This allows us to regain the pleasure of being with someone as he/she is, in respect to his/her and our individuality.

Why are relationships so important in the life of an individual?

Because the human being is a social creature, life is relationship. Through it we discover who we are: the other is the revealer of our identity. Relationships are the indicator of our inner state and stimulate us to grow, to go beyond our settled limits. Having a fulfilling social life is a desire many people have, though it is often considered a difficult goal. “Healing relationships” is the answer to this yearning.

The course is aimed at improving relationships of any kind: couple relationships, working, cooperative, family, kinship, friendship, neighborhood, group, social relationships, etc ….

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What are the issues we work on this course?

Here are the main addressed points:

• – to expose the mechanism of projection;
• – to unmask the co-dependency model;
• – to understand the patterns of expectation and demand;
• – to transform the emotions that pollute our relationships: blame, resentment, fear, guilt, etc…;
• – learning to recognize energetic hooks, that keep us tied to another, disempowering and binding us;
• – learning to protect ourselves without shutting down;
• – to understand oneself through the other by conscious mirroring;
• – relationships and the law of attraction: understanding why we attract the same people and unwanted situations;
• – to understand and let go of the fear of loneliness;
• – to experience authentic connection with the other;
• – to identify our needs within relationship;
• – learning to communicate directly one’s own truth;
• – to let go and complete unresolved past relationships;
• – to be aware of the proper distance between ourselves and the other;
• – to experience love as an inner resource that intrinsically shares.

 

 

To learn more

• 1. Essence and relationships

• 2. Relating as adults

• 3. Distorted dynamics

• 4. Law of attraction and relationships

• 5. Clarifying relationships

• 6. Flowing in the richness of love

• 7. Complementarity of opposites

• 8. Testimonials

 

 

1. Essence and relationships

Essence in simple terms is our soul. To understand how the contact with it is crucial in relationships, we describe its characteristics and how we move away from them while growing up.

The human soul is a wonderful luminous organism. It consists of qualities that occur from time to time depending on the needs of the individual.

For example, compassion arises when we empathize with a being who suffers. Love is the manifestation of a benevolent and unconditional sharing. The essential strength emerges when we want to assert our truth. Awareness is the foundation of all experiences, and it is also conscious of itself. Peace manifests as deep rest, a positive and enveloping darkness, similar to that of the womb. The inner voice is heard when one needs to perceive things beyond appearances, or when we need a sense of direction.

As children the contact with our being and its qualities is still present. These, with the formation of the ego structure, are progressively replaced by false values, which are the personality own reactions: strength is replaced by anger or weakness, love by a sentimentalism that turns into hatred and resentment, compassion is covered by pity and a shallow sympathy, the darkness offered by the personality is empty of presence, it feels deficient, awareness is structured by mental patterns, the inner voice is overwhelmed by the injunctions of the Superego, etc …

The loss of contact with our being is painful; the false ego qualities aim at compensating for the lack of contact with essence in its entirety. Therefore we seek in relationships what we miss. This activates the mechanism of projection: we see in the other what our unconscious makes us see: that part of us we do not feel anymore. The relationship with the other becomes a diverted way to get something with which we lost contact with and that we believe we no longer have. This creates dependence and expectations, which are sources of confusion, contradictions, conflicts: the interpersonal relationship becomes a labyrinth, a riddle that one is unable to solve, because being unaware of our soul prevents us to tap into what would bring truth, clarity, confidence and love.

We are afraid of loneliness because without the other it emerges the discomfort of emotional disturbances: sadness, depression, lack of value, resentment, anger, emptiness, etc …, which confront us with the fact that we lost contact with our true feeling, an opportunity that could lead us back to our soul and its riches.

Generally one remains attached to someone for fear of the temporary emptiness that manifests when we withdraw our projection on the other, but it is a necessary step. The knowledge of having placed the expectation of fulfillment on someone who cannot do it, gives us the opportunity to return to ourselves.

The connection with our being is lost because when we were kids, our parents more often than not have been unable to reflect to ourselves our true nature: the result is that we transfer our identity on the personality, forcing us, as adults, to express ourselves and relate through false values.

As a consequence, we grew up seeking attention, implicitly trying to know who we are through the others’ opinion. But those who we attract can do nothing but reflect back to us the same values that we lack, through an exchange of projections that are the ideas we have about the other.

A relationship with these bases is false; the connection with being is excluded, so one is never sure what is being shared. A constant reassurance based on pleasing each other is needed, to feel that the other is there and vice versa. The problem gets more complicated because we are the first not knowing who we are and where we are.

During “Healing relationships” we invite our essential dimension; we learn to recognize, through presence and awareness targeted exercises, those qualities we seek in vain through the dependent relationship. We experience our own energy space, perceive it as a whole, complete field in which we are, and we learn to stay rooted in it, either alone or in the company of the other.

In the context of protection and support provided by the group, we find the courage to let go of the attachment to the inner image of ourselves that we have built, which is that of a person that cannot be happy and satisfied without the other.

We understand how the other is an opportunity to share something real about us, rather than establishing a connection based on deficiency, which ultimately is not real.

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2. Relating as adults

“Healing relationships” leads you to a deep cleansing of your relationships from the point of view of the “you” adult, with the knowledge that you have today; The purpose of this seminar is to root yourself in the adult “I”.

The difficulties we encounter in relationships are largely due to the intervention of the wounded inner child: we do not realize it, but behind quarrels, conflicts, dissatisfaction, wrong choices, lack of communication, misunderstandings, repeated mistakes, lies the identification with the inner child, that is the core of the ego. We do not relate from adult to adult, but as a wounded child to another wounded child. “Healing the relationships” makes you recognize this identification, learning how to relate from an adult perspective.

The topics specifically related to childhood and relationship with mom and dad, though fundamental to the re-harmonization of relationships, are not the subject of this seminar; they are addressed in detail in the “Healing the roots” course, where we take direct care of self-healing the wounded inner child.

It is appropriate here to conceptually give an overview to what happens in childhood, for a clear overall picture of the development of the human being in relationships and of the origin of relational issues.

The first individuation of ourselves occurs in early childhood, when we begin to perceive us separated from our primary source of physical and emotional nourishment: the mother.

At the end of the fusion phase with her, we glimpse our individuality and, although the stimulus to the expansion of our area of action and the excitement that comes with it attract us, our autonomy is limited: we are not yet able to look after ourselves. This is revealed when basic needs manifest: food and love through contact, which can only be met by the parent.

Consequently, as adults, the fear to individuate oneself lurks hidden, we tend to fail on ourself just to be with the other, in order to receive the nourishment that we mistakenly believe we cannot give to ourselves. The other is seen as our source of life and contentment, but also the reason why our freedom is curtailed. This creates conflict between autonomy and dependence.

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3. Distorted dynamics

These dynamics are protracted, for the majority of people, into adulthood.

They are the contradictions that subconsciously bind us to others; binding is the right term to define a relationship based on unconscious interactions.

“The other is me – Healing relationships” aims that purpose: to identify, clarify and resolve these mechanisms that alter the veracity of all our relationships.

Each of us tends to repeat the same pattern interacting with people with different roles. “Healing relationships” is therefore not a path intended only to deal with couple relationships issues. In it conflicts and difficulties are more highlighted, because it is a very intimate relationship, and as such brings to light more facets, putting us “into a corner”, challenging us more than any other situation. The more someone is close to us, the more the ego of both lays bare, with its dark sides getting exposed. But the repetitive pattern is the same in all our relationships, and once identified and transformed, self-healing occurs on all levels.

Dependency does not allow us the freedom to be ourselves within the relationship, which is the result of a set of models or distorted images, with which we are identified, and are therefore acted in relation to the other.

The dynamic components of dependency are manifold and they are characterized by: expectations, demands, judgments, attachment, blame, lack of responsibility, manipulation, projections, etc …

One of the most common and usual distorted forms is demanding the other to change, that as he/she is, is wrong: many conflicting relationships are built on this assumption and go forward supported not by love but by the expectation that the day will come in which the other will mend his way and meets all our needs, of which we are not even aware.

Another distorted form is manipulation: in the rapport apparently everything runs smoothly, but the mutual agreement is a device for quiet living, that is carried on by controlling the situation rather than allowing spontaneity; a latent discontent, perhaps veiled by resignation, is masked by complacent attitudes falsely polite. Both are modeling choices and behaviors based on the needs of the other, that, of course has nothing to complain. Such a relationship can also go on and on, but does neither lead to growth, contentment nor to a creative and rich meaningful sharing.

This is an impoverishing trend, because, bound by false perceptions, which are taken to be true, it makes one give away his power and waste his energy. The other is seen then either as an enemy to turn away from, or as a savior to whom we transfer erroneously that power to make us happy, which in truth belongs only to us.

In the seminar “Healing relationships”, becoming aware of such codependency mechanisms, we open the way for ourselves to resume with more energy and clarity our way to wholeness, accepting and blessing the presence of who is close to us, considering him/her not as an antagonist, but as a fellow traveler. This unit with the other is the balance between autonomy and spontaneous contact, individuality and sociality.

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4. Law of attraction and relationships

Why do I always attract the wrong people? Why do I repeat the same mistakes in the relationship? Why do I always get abandoned? Why don’t others look for me? Why do they expect from me always the same thing?

In the course “Healing relationships” you can find your answers, arising from your awareness, through the group dynamics.

Awareness is the prelude to taking responsibility: “The other is me” because I attracted him: he was caught by my unconscious part, that shadow that wants to clarify by coming to light, clean up, be integrated in the real identity.

We understand then that it is useless to feed on negative thoughts, feeling unlucky, or complaining about the repetitiveness with which successive similar situations unfold, that seems to be just what we don’t want. And even there is no need to make trophies, powering an ego “upside down”, saying to yourself “looks like I’ve been searching for this.”

What is needed is to first understand that the other does not come by chance, nor he is a sort of persecution, but that it all generates from us and we do everything by ourselves: you are the world, you are a magnetic field that vibrates with a certain energy, and you cannot help but attract people and relationships with your same vibration. This means they are having the same relationship issues that you have, or complementary ones. Until you knowingly enter into a process of transformation of your energy, it cannot be otherwise, and it’s not worthwhile to continue to desire, to hope, and to cultivate positive thinking and daydreams: from the outside you will always have the same answer, which is the faithful mirror of who you are.

A free, whole, complete person cannot attract a complexed problematic one, because they would have nothing in common, no basis on which to share together: there would be no energy between them. And vice versa, a conflictual person cannot attract the partner (or friend, or the employer …) of his dreams, even if he says he wants to: perhaps the idealized person passed by unrecognized many times.

For this person, right is what is concretely attracted, because it gives the opportunity, through the difficulties, to explore, to know and to heal himself.

What attracts us about the other is his shadow, which reflects our: the human soul wants to evolve, it wants to resolve the issues hidden in the unconscious, it wants to go back to being whole, one, and to share it. Therefore it attracts people and relationships that reflect its incompleteness, to be able to become aware of it, and to integrate in itself those weak or immature parts that come to light only by relating.

It depends on us, if to endlessly repeat the same mistake, blaming others and shutting down, or if to take the challenge provided by the situation, to wake up to our uncomfortable and fragile parts and to heal them, transforming and elevating our energy, thus becoming responsible adults.

We will be surprised then that the other, indirectly also changes: our vibration draws from that person a different behavior, like an echo, yet it is the same person it was before! We are the ones who changed, seeing and feeling ourselves and others in a different more positive way.

Or, as a result of our healing, the other moves away: his function with us is exhausted, he showed us what our soul wanted to know. Then we can let him go and accept that the relationship is completed.

By taking the responsibility of the attraction, we open ourselves to accept that the other is the vehicle that the Divine has chosen for our evolution, we open ourselves to experience love, not as a romantic idea or dream, but as a reality, a bridge between beings that connect, flow and enrich each other.

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5. Clarifying relationships

Are there in your life any relationships which are more complicated than others? Haven’t you had a chance to talk to a person to settle things up?

“Healing relationships” gives you the opportunity to do so. Through targeted exercises, you say what has not been said. The unspoken remains outstanding and hinders the flow of love; you can become aware of it, for example, when a situation you never clarified comes to mind even if you don’t want to think about it: those are circumstances where power gets locked, a part of your energy is still engaged.

In this seminar you have the opportunity to take it back: instead of trying to drive away the recurring thought of certain people, you proceed to the purification of the mental image, understanding and letting go what has generated it. That implies emotional purification.

To say what has never been said, asserting it within a space of presence, brings you to integrate it and to move beyond it, with love.

You no longer need to ruminate within yourself; what has being completely dropped does not come back again.

This point of the process “Healing relationships” is also very useful if you have formally ended a relationship (couple, friendship, work …) but its energy is still active. For example, two partners split but continue to actually meet, or you have been fired, but nevertheless you continue to work for the same employer without finding another job, etc…. Or you feel that a relationship that was important in the past, still, even after many years, affects your life, perhaps because deep within, you have not accepted its end, and so the bond has continued inside of you: you’ve secretly fed it. This is the case of one who regrets not being able to meet a new partner even if much time has elapsed since the end of the previous relationship, or who constantly compares the new mate to the old one, never finding a partner that can stand the comparison.

In these cases, “Healing relationships” allows you to bring clarity, to settle outstanding accounts, to let go of the energetic hooks with someone, and to stably connect with your current awareness, as the basis of your relationships now.

6. Flowing in the richness of love

To be autonomous, integrated, rooted in oneself is not only possible, but also necessary for the relationship to become something that will support us in being what we are: free and loving individuals.

Love is not a feeling, it is not a relationship, it is not dependent on any external source: that’s why it is called unconditional love. It is the fragrance of our being and it manifests itself in complete and unconditional freedom. It is the guide itself and it finds its own way toward what is good and right. To know love means surrendering to it; to follow its course is to be with truth.

Love springs from our individuality, from self support, from responsibility. Love opens us to contact the essential values of which we are endowed as strength, joy, compassion, celebration, learning what is true sharing, drawing from our inner resources rather than continuing to expect them from the outside. We can only give what we have, and we know that when we are conscious of it.

To this end, the other is the best ally that existence has made available to us, that helps us contact our treasures and supports us in the realization of ourselves.

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7.  Complementarity of opposites

The other is a mirror.

From the undifferentiated one, or God, the whole and absolute, however you want to call it, the opposites forces that allow life to manifest itself result: life is the energy caused by the interaction and complementarity of the male and female principles of the universe.

This complementarity is manifesting most clearly in the relationship between man and woman: relating with beings of the opposite sex is the most stimulating, essential and difficult to understand and manage; we are continually attracted and repulsed to it in an endless dance.

Of all relationships, it is the one that allows us to access our missing part, the one that is not available to our conscious mind.

Man as such is only half of the whole; his other half is female. The same applies to the woman. What is conscious in man is unconscious in woman, and vice versa, biologically and energetically.

That’s why when we meet a person of the opposite sex akin to us, we feel complete.

However, the affinity can be influenced by the unconscious: we feel an empathy based on the shortcomings present in the other, which creates a mutual satisfaction. The other in this case is seen as a man or woman who can fill our emotional holes.

Or it may be someone who resonates with the deepest and true part of us. In his/her presence we perceive the unity; our energy and our being are highlighted and they resonate with that of the partner.

Once aware that such a state of contentment is possible, the illusory belief rises that it depends from a source external to us.

This is the most obstructive misunderstanding in couple relationship, and the same can be said for any other. The source of this fulfillment is actually intrinsic to our being, the other functions as an activating agent that triggers the essential aspect that we are experiencing and the resulting sense of unity: the partners activate each other’s inner woman / man and that’s why the feeling of wholeness.

The other is a mirror of our inner qualities, not the origin.

The same goes for our dark parts: they too are vividly and deeply reflected by the other: in both cases, however, we tend to blame or to give credit to the other about how we feel.

The other is the divine agent that provides us with the opportunity to discover all the treasures that we have or that separate us from them: both the bright and the dark sides lead us to the integrity of ourselves to gradually wider and deeper levels.

The goal that the group “Healing relationships” aims, is to contact your inner space in its entirety and draw from your intrinsic riches, due also to the support provided by the energy of the group.

From this point on, we recognize the other as someone not to lean on, but to get mirrored by, therefore giving him his real value. We become able to be authentic mirrors, honest and without any mask. To be our own original face, exposes all falsehood within the relationship, without any effort.

We taste freedom as the right ground where love blooms.